Dynamics and Mental Health

As we come to the start of a new year, with endless possibilities ahead of us, I love to take some time to reflect on the year behind us.

 

As so many of you have said yourselves, 2020 year was a challenge. Between the pandemic, the American election, racial tension and the like, many of us were pushed to our limits. Our energy was depleted, familiar routines uprooted, and the hope of things we looked forward to, like graduations and vacations, were gone. We lost things we took for granted, and many of us struggled with anxiety and depression. Some of us had painful losses.

 

But as we look to the year ahead, I’d like to urge you to continue to look at what it is you can control. And since this little corner of blogland is about lifestyle choices, let’s take the direction there.

 

I had a personal reckoning with my post on THE LAZY SUBMISSIVE. I told myself, I can’t control the fact that we have so little privacy. I can’t change the fact that our house is always filled with people, that my teens are observant and up later at night than my husband and I are. I can’t put my kids in a school that’s closed, and most of all, I can’t make my husband give me what I need.

 

The only person I can control is myself.

The only life I can control is mine.

The only choices before me are my own.

 

So where do we go from there?

 

I had a hard, but brutally honest conversation with Jason about a week ago. It had been at least a week or two with no check-in. No spanking. The thought of rules felt almost laughable. We couldn’t find the time or energy to keep up with the simplest of routines. If I messed up, maybe I would tell him, or maybe I’d dismiss it as not important anymore. If he became aware of a broken rule, he’d let me off with a warning.

 

And it all felt… empty.

 

I did some thinking. Some searching. Some processing. And I concluded that depression was really lingering, and our active D/s dynamic was perhaps the most important factor for me, personally, in fighting depression.

I’ve studied the human condition, good health, mindsets and holistic healing. And I thought I was doing it all. Getting enough sleep. Eating well. Exercising regularly. Engaging with friends and family, having a good work/life balance. Sure, I didn’t do anything perfectly, but I was in a pretty good place. And still, the heavy weight on my chest was still there.

 

So I approached Jason, and I was painfully honest. “Our dynamic, when it’s really on, kept things at an even keel for me. And when we don’t have that, the old feelings of depression come back.”

 

It was over eight years ago that we began all this, so it’s been a while.

 

He nodded, listening. Both of us facing the stark reality of our lives with a barely-present dynamic.

 

“I can’t do this alone, anymore,” I told him, and by “this,” I mean keeping my depression under control. I wasn’t really depressed yet. I wasn’t at a place where I’ve been before, when the world seemed hopeless and dismal and I had nothing to look forward to. I got out of bed every morning as usual, I did what I had to. But as the day went on, inexplicable sadness grew heavier and heavier, and it was becoming too heavy for me to push aside.

 

I took a deep breath, and gave him the stark truth. “I know it’s hard for us to maintain our dynamic right now. But if we can’t do it, I’m going to have to get therapy. I may even need medication, and I’m okay with that. I accept if we can’t do this. I just need to be honest about where I am.”

 

If there’s anything we’ve done over the past eight years of a D/s dynamic and eighteen years of marriage, it’s learned to communicate open and honestly.

 

He listened. He nodded. And he said, “I know you well enough to know you’re not being passive aggressive. You’re not trying to manipulate anything. You’re giving me the honest truth.”

 

“I am. And I’m glad you know that.”

 

These are hard discussions, you guys. But if we take an honest approach to communication, honesty isn’t colored with false perceptions and insecurities. It pains me as his wife, his lover, his best friend and his submissive, to admit that he’s not meeting my needs, just as it hurts to hear him admit when I’m not meeting his. But if we don’t come to each other honest and vulnerable, what do we even have to offer anymore?

 

“I hear you,” he said. “And I want to fix this.”

 

“I do, too, but let’s be honest. We’ve been trying for months. I’m willing to give it one more month, but if we can’t do it by the end of January, can we agree it’s time for me to get a therapist?”

 

Now, I want to be clear that I fully support therapy. I have a child who struggles with anxiety and depression, and the medication he takes has made a world of difference. Some of my very best friends have found their entire lives changed by addressing their mental health. But I also know myself well enough to know that the first step in addressing my mental health is our dynamic.

 

Before we went to bed that night, Jason gave me a stern look, and I’m telling you, I nearly melted. I need that him from so badly. I need to know he’s my dom. My daddy.

 

“Tell me what your morning work plans look like.” Since the kids were all on vacation from school, my work plans shifted a bit. So I showed him my next day's plan. I have a planner I keep with a daily schedule (I splurged on a customized one from Plum Planner, for those who are into that sort of thing, and I love it).

He looked over my plan.

“Good,” he said. “We check in at nine a.m. sharp. If you’re late, you’ll be punished.”

 

I went to bed hopeful, but if I’m honest, also a little hesitant. I wasn’t ready to really believe we were getting things on track again. We’ve been here before.

 

If there’s anything I’ve learned in recent years, though, it’s that success in any endeavor has nothing to do with self-discipline and everything to do with good habits. (For more on these, I highly suggest two excellent books: Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones and Mini Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results). So I knew that we didn’t need to will ourselves into getting back on track. We needed to habituate it again.

 

For us, that meant identifying why we were off track to begin with.

 

It isn't a lack of interest or will, though there were times (oh so many times) I questioned this from him when things weren't going as planned. It's clear, though, that we both thrive when things are going well. What was to blame, then?

No privacy. Our daughter’s in our room at 7:30 a.m. to do her schoolwork, and if we don’t check in first thing, it rarely happens. This we know from experience.

 

No good routine. The school schedules have shifted so much. Fully remote, part-time in school, back to remote, one day a week, and on and on it goes. When the day starts shifts all over the place, and it’s so slippery, it’s hard to establish a routine.

 

So we came up with a plan to find both privacy and a routine. Tomorrow, we shift our plan to have our check-in in the writing shed.

 

The result? We’re on day six of 100% consistency. We’re well on our way back to forming good habits. I’m happier and more at peace, and so is Jason. How has this worked? Tune in next week, for 2021 is the year I get back to the weekly habit of blogging.

 

Cheers!