The Lazy Submissive

 The Lazy Submissive

 

I’m putting on my blunt hat. If you’re feeling particularly sensitive, maybe don’t read this one. 

 

I know how expectations sometimes go with submissives. I’m one of them, and I know enough of you to say that one thing most every submissive has in common is the desire to not have to control this. 

 

Seems obvious, doesn’t it? 

 

We are the submissive partners. Therefore, the dominant partners are the ones that should initiate this. Initiate what? Well, damn near all of it. 

 

The dominant partner should initiate sex. 

The dominant partner should give us rules. 

The dominant partner should be demanding we do maintenance. 

The dominant partner should decide when to discipline. 

 

And some of us take it a step further. 

 

The dominant partner should tell me how to plan my day. 

The dominant partner should give me structure, accountability, and guidelines. 

The dominant partner should manage my diet goals. 

The dominant partner should pick out my clothes.

 

And on and on and on it goes. 

 

Hold. The. Phone. 

 

I’ve had a revelation of sorts this week, but this is how it goes, sometimes. We get busy. Life happens. Seasons change, our needs change. I had a Zoom meeting with friends last night, and I had to laugh, because it seems like only yesterday we’d chatted, yet it was August, and so many things had changed since then. 

 

So I had to remind myself of something I’ve had to remind myself before. Maybe a hundred times before. 

 

Given the ever-changing status of our lives, it’s essential that we submissives stop putting it all on the our dominant partners. Me included. Maybe even me especially. 

 

Pretty much every submissive I know has at one point or several said to me, “he doesn’t follow through,” “he doesn’t make me obey the rules,” “I need her to sort me out,” etc. 

 

And my question is… why

 

Look again at the list I made above, and let me ask you a question. 

 

Doesn’t that sound exhausting? 

 

I’ve been under a lot of stress the past few weeks. To sum it up, we have eight people living in my house, and the vast majority of them rarely leave it. Privacy? Hahaha. We have some extended family members who rely quite heavily on us. Annnndd I’m now the primary breadwinner, and the complexities of being submissive to my husband while assuming this role could be a book itself. 

 

So I fell into lazy submissive thinking. 

 

He should be the one initiating check-ins. 

 

He hasn’t spanked me in days (he doesn’t love me anymore! Poor me!). 

 

If he doesn’t care about my rules, why should I? 




I wear your collar, goddammit, doesn't that mean anything? 

 

He should know my needs by now. 

 

And blah, blah, BLAH. 

 

Why had I let myself get into this pattern of thinking?  The long and short of it is, I was busy and stressed with other areas of my life and didn’t want to have to tell him my needs. I wanted him to KNOW. I wanted him to read my mind and know how desperately I needed a spanking, how desperately I needed him to dominate me. I wanted him to step in and take control because it was all getting too damn heavy and I wanted to put it down. I wanted him to grab me by the hair and kiss the hell out of me, then turn me over his knee and spank me to tears. 

 

But it wasn’t happening. Days would go by and this beautiful, intimate relationship we’d worked so hard to build for eight long years seemed as if it were dying a slow death. Because any relationship, when it isn’t watered and fed and nourished, runs that risk. 

 

Are we still D/s? I’d ask myself. Well, yes. I still had rules to follow. We still have roles. He’ll still give me a stern warning or whack my ass good and hard if I get mouthy. And breaking a rule will still earn me a spanking (in theory, I haven’t broken a rule in so long I barely remember what punishment spanking is like). 

 

I’ve even asked him, and he hates when I ask him, “Are we still doing this?” 


In a good moment he might be gentle and reassuring and sweet. “You’re still daddy’s babygirl.” 

In a bad moment, not so much. “This again? Really?” 

 

But when I found myself becoming The Lazy Submissive, I had to do two things. 

 

1.     Be honest with myself. 

2.     STOP. IT. 

 

I was expecting him to take control. 

 

But being the dominant partner doesn’t mean he does all the work. It simply means I willingly grant him authority over my life.

 

I had to take the focus off myself and put it back on him. I had to do what he expected of me whether he enforced those rules or not. I had to do the hard work. 

 

And submit. 

 

And then I had to do the arguably harder work. 

 

And communicate. 

 

Is it topping from the bottom to communicate one’s needs? I say no. Here, Jason expects it of me. He gets angry if I expect him to read my mind and withhold these things from him. I’m not allowed to tell him what to do, though, or to whine or nag or harass him, and there’s a difference there. 

 

So finally I would just come to him. “Can we make time for a check-in today?” 

 

“Yes, of course.” 

 

“Does ten a.m. work for you?” 

 

That’s how it began. I would bring him my list. We’d look over it. And <<happy sigh>> he’d put me over his knee. 

 

Now, it isn’t perfect. It’s short and sweet, because of the whole privacy thing. Sometimes that spanking isn’t the one I want. Sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. 

 

But for us, our entire dynamic hinges on the regular role-reminders and communication. And when either of those things wane, we start to feel the stress of it. When both of those things wane, there’s trouble ahead. 

 

So my challenge to you this week is this: Ask yourself if you’re being a lazy submissive. Are you expecting your dominant partner to do all the work? Are you withholding your needs and expecting him or her to mind read? Is there anything you can do on your own to cultivate submission? 

Comments

  1. Hi Jane. I agree heartily with so much of this. While I share the constant hope that my wife will fully "step up" and take control, it's probably not a realistic expectation and it puts a lot of pressure and stress on her to expect it of her. And, I *really* agree with you on "topping from the bottom." It's a BDSM-related concept that has some common sense application in other dynamics but is so often mis-applied that I've come to believe it causes SO much more trouble than its worth. These relationships work only if *both* parties are getting their needs met, and *neither* party is a mind reader! Communicating what is working and what isn't is absolutely critical, but the whole "topping from the bottom" BS actively discourages that communication.

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