Trauma and Little Headspace

 Hello, all! 

 

I’ve had a nasty bit of illness in the past month that took me by complete surprise and landed me in the hospital twice. The long and short of it is, it appears I’m having some time of allergic reaction. I thought it was environmental allergies, and ignored persistent symptoms thinking they’d go away, but when I ignored the symptoms, I ended up with ear infections (twice, over the past few months) that got so bad, I ended up hospitalized for pain management and IV antibiotics. Fun times, you guys.

 

Not gonna lie, it was rough. Between the pain, being away from home, being away from Jason and my kids and my puppy (the puppy separation was harder than I'd expected!), it was pretty awful. But this week was particularly difficult.

I called Jason from the hospital and told him the doctor said one ear infection had, over the course of a few weeks, gone from one ear to the next. “So I’m relieved it wasn’t from something I did to bring this on,” I told him, confessing to guilt I’d been holding onto.

 

“No, you didn’t do it. You’re just a good girl with an ear infection,” he said. 

And you guys, I melted. 

Away from home, lonely and sick, I was in need of some TLC. Though the hospital allowed visitors, I didn’t want anyone to come because of Covid, so I just soldiered on as best I could. But I was so sad, so uncomfortable, homesick and in need of comfort. His words made tears come to my eyes and soothed me for a little while.

 

Jason was in full-on At Home Dad mode. And I give the guy credit, he was on. Groceries purchased, meals lined up for the week, food prepped, house cleaned, laundry done and put away. He deserves a medal, for real. But he was so in “get things done around the house” mode that he didn’t realize I needed some daddy time. And I didn’t want to push the issue, because he was working so hard and I was grateful for that.

 

But before I’d gotten into the hospital, I’d worked hard at a major job for work, something that’s typically stressful enough on its own. I usually crash hard after a big project and launch, and Jason is usually ready to catch me. But this time, I was stuck in the hospital. In other words… it was a perfect storm.

 

I ended up in such a needy headspace. I might even call it “little” headspace. I needed daddy time so badly. I came up to bed and was ready to cry. I asked him for some time. He opened his arm, I climbed in, and I cried. He was so sweet and gentle, as he talked me through it. I told him how traumatic it all had been, how much I missed being home and how badly I wanted to be with him. He held me while I cried and listened. And I asked him to take care of me in ways he hasn’t done in a while. So he did.

 

First, he sternly told me to take my medicine like a good girl or he’d give me a spanking, then demonstrated just that (but not harshly…and I needed that). Then I got ready for bed and he brushed and braided my hair. He put me over his knee and gave me a long, thorough hand spanking, and it was stress relief for me. He tucked me in and stayed with me until I fell asleep.

I don't get into very "little" headspace. Most people in the community believe there are forms of regression, and it can be very healthy and healing to have that regression within a supportive, consensual relationship. For me, it just means I need a little more attention sometimes. 

 

I woke up so relieved the next morning. In such a better place. Grateful for all that he does and the dynamic that anchors us, even when things don’t go the way we think they will.

 

“Little” headspace is rare for me, but I’m thankful I had a safe place to go with it. I think sometimes trauma brings on that temporary regression, but in the end I was so thankful and relieved he understood, and that it didn’t take more than a little daddy time to get me back on track.