A Change of Heart

Hey, everyone. 

Okay so I missed a week. I'm back at it! And I'm posting twice this week to make up for it, does that count? Let's say that counts. :) 

This is what I committed to in June: 

•  Weekly blogging (missed one week)

• Performing acts of submission daily for my husband, to help bring myself into a submissive headspace. (done!)

• Kissing my husband every single day. (done!)

• Bringing myself back to saying, "Yes, daddy." (done!)

• Continuing weekly date night. (yep!)

I thrive on challenges, so I'm probably going to shake things up a little in July. 

About a week or so ago, I was cuddling up with Jason before bed. 

"Wow. Nearly two decades of marriage and I still kinda liked you," I told him jokingly. "I'm still super into you." 

He smiled, and gave me a squeeze. "Yeah," he said. "But you know when things really changed?" 

I knew what he was going to say, but I waited. 

"It was when you asked me to spank you." 

I smiled. I remember that day well. Although he'd spanked me when we were dating, I'd asked him to stop. But I couldn't get it out of my mind. And after spending some time mentally in a place of really, really craving a spanking, I finally asked him. 

That first night was just an erotic spanking. But I wanted it to hurt, and told him so. To his credit, he heard me. And he gave me what I needed. There were no disciplinary spankings for a good long while. And honestly, if I had it to do over again, I think the only thing I'd have changed about how we did things was when I tried to manipulate him into being someone he wasn't. I wanted things a certain way. And it wasn't until I realized that I was the one who had to change...that I had to be the one to cultivate my own submission, that things really began to change. 

I embraced my role as his submissive. And he embraced his role as my Dominant. It was a long journey, and still is. But really, it's what changed our marriage. It was a definitive moment in our marriage, but it's not spanking that changed things. Honestly, it rarely is. 

So many of us focus on the spanking part of things, because we think it's what we crave. If only he would dominate the way I want him to. If only he'd take me over his lap. If only he'd demand respect. If only, if only...

But friends, if we're always looking for the "one thing" that will make things "click" for us, I'm afraid we'll always be disappointed. 

Yes, that night I asked him to spank me changed things. But it wasn't the spanking that changed things, really. If there's no heart change, there's no amount of spanking in the world that's going to change much of anything. 

We can say it's quarantine that's to blame for things not being where they should be (and for sure, the lack of privacy will make this so much harder). 

We can say he needs to be more dominant. 

We can say he needs to understand better. 

But let's be honest with ourselves. Is there nothing we can do on our own to cultivate submission?