Don't Break the Chain

I do a lot of reading on self-help, marketing, and the like, often for my business.  I guess I’m just weird, because I love reading about habit formation, goal setting, and productivity. Jason says it’s the “type eight” (enneagram) in me. Just my personality type.

Anyhow, one common thread in many of these books is the importance of keeping good habits going. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is quoted often in the books I read for his advice on “not breaking the chain.” Since he’s a comedian, he writes jokes professionally. He keeps a calendar beside his bed, and every day that he writes a joke, he makes an “x.” And his advice to new and upcoming comedians is “don’t break the chain.” In other words, it’s more important to stay consistent with a habit than it is to go hardcore. 

Yes, this applies to the D/s lifestyle. And no, I’m not talking about consistency from a punishment point of view. Stay with me. 

I can attest to the power of sticking with something, of forming a good habit. In James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, he says “little changes add up to big results.” Deposit $50 from your pay check every week when you get paid, you’ll have $2600 saved in one year. Lose half a pound of weight a week, you’ll lost 26 pounds in one year. Spend twenty minutes reading before bed at night, you’ll clock over 120 hours of reading this year. Since the average book takes about five hours to read, that’s about twenty-four novels a year, or about twice the national average. 

So how does this apply to the D/s lifestyle? Domestic discipline? 

Positive lifestyle changes aren’t formed by huge, massive commitments, monumental effort, or a drastic mindset shift. This has been proven, time and time again, and frankly, it’s why Jason and I don’t personally do “bootcamp.” It’s also why, when people ask me for advice along those lines, I often say “don’t do it.” Yes, some people have great success with bootcamp. But if your problem is consistency, then one weekend of bootcamp isn’t going to solve it. It’ll help bring you together, sure. But it isn’t enough time to form habits, and it’s habit that makes for a lifestyle change. 

So how are positive lifestyle changes made, then? With consistency, and with positive habit formation. In other words… “don’t break the chain.” 

For me and Jason, that means we can’t break the chain on a daily check-in. We need that. We both do. I had a meltdown a few weeks ago because we’d gotten so far from where I needed to be, and Jason decided enough was enough, that he would check me in and give me some form of reminder or maintenance every single day. 

Now, have we done it perfectly? No. But one of the rules I’ve read about in habit formation applies here. Don’t break the chain two days in a row. 

Everyone will have an off day. Everyone will have a day where they just don’t do what they’re supposed to, be that dieting, drinking enough water, working out, or having maintenance. The key here is… don’t let that one missed day lead to two. 

We’re all under quarantine. Where we live, there really isn’t any end in sight, so we’ve accepted this is the way things will be for now. For us, we need to have daily check-ins. 

What can you do for your lifestyle that will help? For some of you, that might be daily journaling. Maybe every day at the end of the day, you kneel and remove your husband or wife’s shoes. Maybe you send a morning text to your daddy to say “thank you for taking care of me, daddy.” Maybe that means you don’t let a day go by that doesn’t involve kissing your spouse and telling them how thankful you are for them. 

For me? I need to blog. Every week. Even if it's a lame post. :p 

You can’t make your dominant partner give you maintenance. You can make a daily positive impact on your relationship. You can do small things that impact both of you. Because as the saying goes? In the end, those little things you do? Those are the steps that move mountains.   

And here's a little something for those of you who may need to screenshot. ;)