We can do hard things

To any of those who’ve commented on my blog, for some reason I can’t get it to allow me to comment back! My apologies. I’m going to keep on trying new browsers. 

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It’s a funny thing, knowing just how badly I want this. Early on into the quarantine, it wasn’t as prevalent on my mind. We were deep in the throes of a worldwide pandemic. We were unsure about damn near everything, so our dynamic taking a backseat happened organically. I didn’t really question it. Jason was scared. I was scared. We weren’t sure how we were going to manage everyone at home, and our jobs, our aging parents. In a time of widespread uncertainty, we pulled inward and regrouped. 

A few weeks in, I started longing for this again. I blogged a little bit about it, how I finally lost my mind and had a meltdown. How he stepped in, and how wonderful and simultaneously hard that was. Some of you wrote to me, some of you said I wrote exactly what you were feeling. 

But it isn’t all sunshine and roses, you guys, don’t get me wrong. We’ve been walking the walk now for over seven years, and though things vacillate and change, one thing remains the same: this is not an easy lifestyle. 

I want him to discipline me, and yet I don’t. I’m independent by nature, strong-willed, and stubborn. I don’t like him telling me what to do or making the decisions around here. 

And yet I do. 

I’m a diehard spanko. I find domination sexy as hell, and the very thought of spanking melts my butter. Jason and I are super into each other, and spanking and dominating are very much a part of how we relate sexually.

But spankings hurt. 

I don’t like to criticize him. Building him up and deferring to him is a big part of how I relate to him as his submissive. 

It’s hard to tell him he isn’t meeting my needs. 

I love submitting to him. I love when we’re in a good place. I love when our roles are clear, our jobs defined, and we’re easily navigating through our day to day with the ever-present beauty and presence of our dynamic: he as my Dom, the man I trust, respect, and love with every fiber of my being. Me as his submissive, my hand in his as he guides me.

But submission is hard. It takes energy. I’m tired and depleted and don’t want to. 

Submission takes humility. Courage. Strength. It’s hard to be vulnerable. It’s hard to trust. It’s hard knowing that even though this is beautiful, there is pain along the way. 

But I will do it.                                                                                           

I will do the hard things. 

And you can, too.