The seasonal catch-up

Oh, boy, you guys. First, we were traveling so I couldn't blog. Then, my kids were home from school. I seem to have completely forgotten how to work or do anything like blogging when my kids were home from school. It doesn't help that when they were, they often slept in and I had hours upon hours alone in the morning, but now with various schedules and commitments, they're up super early with me. Again, it's just one of those adjustments. 

Back to school today. Back to work for me. And...I hope, fervently hope, that Jason and I can return to a good check-in routine. As I said before, things are still there. Yesterday, I was getting frustrated with a certain situation, and Jason reached for my hand and gave me four squeezes. That means, "Be a good girl," and it's my last warning before we head into punishment territory. I did heed his warning, and I didn't get punished, but a part of me almost wishes that I had...not intentionally, but I'm feeling that deep, abiding craving to be yanked back into submission.

Sometimes I don't want to be gently led. Sometimes I want him to grab me by the hair, drag me over his lap, and give me the spanking of my life. Not only does my fantasy mind head there sometimes... there's something about that loss of control and utter dominant act that appeals on a deep, erotic level... but I've been there before. I've been hauled over his lap and spanked soundly. And though in the moment I don't like it, no, not one little bit, I do like the after effects. The quiet after the storm. The throbbing post-spanking sting that weirdly, inexplicably (I will never fully understand this), makes me feel loved. The way my mind is erased from all things but Jason and me, how it brings me back to center and calms me. 

But this isn't the season of life we're in that allows for much raw expression of dominance, and I have to accept that. And honestly, I do. How a part of me longs for that, though. To be really well and truly "taken in hand." 

The past few weeks have gone like this. 

Day one: Me, to Jason, "I really need a check in. Do you think we can make that happen?" 

Jason: "Yes, absolutely." 

:::neither of us thinks about it again until day two:::

Day two: Jason, "after we run this errand, we must check in." 

Me: "Yes!" 

Him: "As soon as we get home, no cooking, no cleaning, you go straight upstairs." 

Me: :::goes straight upstairs:::

Him: ::: goes straight upstairs::: 

Child downstairs: "Mom, the puppy had an accident!" 

Sigh. 

Day three: :::neither of us even mentions it:::: 

Day four: Jason: "Get up here now!" 

Me: ::obeys::

Jason: :::goes over my rules::: 

:::phone rings, it's an urgent call and we never get beyond the rules::: 

Day five: ::date night, which soothes a bit of the ache, but only a very little bit. Still no check in. Still no spanking.:: 

Day six: Me, to Jason, curling up to him in bed. "I'm dying a little inside. I need a spanking so badly." My throat catches a little. "Please, daddy." 

Jason: :::rolls me over and gives me several hard, solid smacks with the palm of his hand.:::: 

:::I'm soothed but not fulfilled:::

Day seven: ::neither of us says anything, because he spanked me last night.... right?:::

Day eight: repeat day seven

Day nine: Me: "Please, daddy. I miss our check-in's. I want them so badly. I crave them, still. Can we find a way to make them part of our daily routine again?" 

Him: "Yes! Yes, we have to." 

Me: ".....but..how?" 

Him: "We just have to do it." 

Me: "Okay." 

Him: "Let's do it right now." 

And we do. But after three hard smacks I can't take the pain anymore since I'm so out of practice. I beg him to stop. He does. I'm confused about why I'm sad.

So last night, we talked about this. And we decided we're fully committed to forming a routine that prioritizes our check-in. As of 2020, as part of my goal setting routine, I've now adapted a "habit tracker" as part of my daily planner. So I'm going to put "check in" on that habit tracker. 

A few years ago, we did an "end of the year" spanking. A cleansing sort of ritual to forgive all the little things I did, and to bring us back to center.  In my mind, I'd like that again, I think. But will I be able to handle it? I'm not sure I can. So instead...perhaps a return of solid check-in's? 

Do I want this? 

Yes, I want this. 

Do I need this? 

Yes, I need this. 

Does he need this? 

Yes, he does.