To any of those who’ve commented on my blog, for some reason I can’t get it to allow me to comment back! My apologies. I’m going to keep on trying new browsers.  ~ It’s a funny thing, knowing just how badly I want this. Early on into the quarantine, it wasn’t as prevalent on my mind. We were deep in the throes of a worldwide pandemic. We were unsure about damn near everything, so our dynamic taking a backseat happened organically. I didn’t really question it. Jason was scared. I was scared. We weren’t sure how we were going to manage everyone at home, and our jobs, our aging parents. In a time of widespread uncertainty, we pulled inward and regrouped.  A few weeks in, I started longing for this again. I blogged a little bit about it, how I finally lost my mind and had a meltdown. How he stepped in, and how wonderful and simultaneously hard that was. Some of you wrote to me, some of you said I wrote exactly what you were feeling.  But it isn’t all sunshine...

And then, I had a meltdown.  Last week, I did a short blog about how we’re sort of struggling through the craziness of this quarantine. I said, “I’m dying inside a little.”  Jason knew I missed how we relate to each other. But I think we both got so invested in “survival mode” that we didn’t realize how far gone I was. It’s so difficult to hold everything together when the one person who helps me through it all is checked out.  I can do it. I’ve done it before. But it’s painful.  I finally went to him, told him how I felt, and promptly burst into tears. I told him everything. “I’m trying so hard to be positive. But it’s killing me, not having what we had. Not calling you daddy, or kneeling, or being put into a submissive mindset like we used to.”  He just held me while I cried and said, “I know. We’ll make this happen.”  “I just haven’t been thinking about it. It’s the only way I can get through,” I told him.  “I know,” he said...

Ahhhh. So we thought it was hard to get privacy before the kids and puppy were here all day long, every day, for twenty-four hours, and we both didn't have to balance work and school and meals and housecleaning.  Oh boy. Yes, that was tough back then, to find the times. It seems so long ago now.  And here we are. With my lovely little woodshed nestled in my back yard, surrounded by neighbors that are home all day long , and kids that are using it to Zoom teachers and classmates and friends. Now, don't get me wrong. I am oh-so-glad I have that shed. It is the only thing making uninterrupted work time even possible now. But morning maintenance is but a distance memory. I've gone over his knee maybe twice in as many weeks, and those were for the briefest little tastes of what I crave.  I'm not gonna lie, you guys. It's hard. It's really, really hard. I kinda feel like a part of me is dying inside a little. I crave Jason's attention. I miss being on my kne...